The Spitting Guy lives down the street near the end of the cul-de-sac. He drives a black Cherokee from which he does drive-by spittings onto Gunman’s van. No one can quite figure what made Gunman the recipient of the Spitting Guy’s (SG) disgusting emissions but Sage thinks it had something to do with Gunman having dated SG’s cute neighbor. Not being man enough to confront Gunman face to face, he stealth spits huge, bubbly, DNA-laden loogies onto the windows of Gunman’s van.
What is it about guys and spitting, anyway? Guys spit when they exercise, they spit when they have colds and they spit just for the heck of it often making really disgusting noises while they excavate semi-solid material from the far corners of their nasal pharynx prior to the actual act. Afterwards they look at it as if some portion of their worth as a man is measured by the amount of salivary gland extract they deposit in public—it’s a source of pride.
I don’t see women spitting--is it a testosterone thing? Is it menstrual envy? Men can’t menstruate so they spit? Maybe we should start a line of men’s hygiene products marketed towards the spitters. I would like to see a full grocery aisle devoted to such products and see men have to use a good portion of their disposable income buying baby blue, Polo-scented spit rags which they have to carry everywhere in a fanny pack during their spitting time which, by the way, seems to be ALL the time—not just confined to one phase of the moon. And when men go to the doctor the first thing they should be asked is: “When is the last time you spit? Any pain when spitting? How are your moods before and after spitting? Turn your head and spit. “ I’m surprised they haven’t made it a sport.
There’s some kind of weird karma for spitting as I recall from my years on the yoga mat in a room full of male renunciants (all non-spitters). Yes, now I remember: the karma for spitting is getting bitten by bugs! Of course we all get bitten by bugs so perhaps we’ve all been spitters or at least indulged from time-to-time in our past lives. I admit I’ve spit on occasion. Like if a bug flies in my mouth I’ll definitely try to spit it out, so maybe there is a connection. Bug flies in mouth, bug drowns in saliva and is spit out—forcefully and with disgust. Next lifetime, bug (carrying residual anger) bites spitter. Karma!
We have never actually caught SG in the act. He may be a nocturnal spitter discharging his disgusting drool only by the light of the moon (and the street lights), but whatever time of day he spits he is amazingly prolific and precise. How does he do it? Does he use some kind of contraption or targeting device? When Gunman’s van is parked in the front, on the street, the driver’s side window is the target. When Gunman parks in the space between the buildings in the back, the back window gets it. These logistics led us to believe that this is a drive-by spitting since it’s always the window closest to the street or alley that receives the insult, but the question remains as to how SG delivers the goods from the driver’s side of his vehicle to the window of the van? That would require an awe-inspiring eight foot spit! No wonder Gunman and Sage. speak in hushed tones the morning after an attack. SG of Bamboo Blossom Lane is truly the supervillian of spitting.
Comments